So I am in a place where I am not sure what I am going to do with some stuffed emotions. I feel like I don’t have anywhere online to share these thoughts without other people feeling a need to comment and/or spread my words. I really wish folks could honestly see:
1. Bossing everyone and leading them without any direction other than your own enjoyment = dictatorships in the eyes of the community participants. The plus of my new monthly schedule - I hostess a party night in a topless bar once a month vs the larger commitment of being on any board. My big boss role here is to provide name tags, promotion and introducing people to each other during the night. I’ll just be thrilled if people ~ just show up~!
- If leaders want access to the 50+ people, they’ve all heard about the event and can ~ just show up~. I will no longer hunt down people just to help them. It’s time that they see my value and make a move based on if they feel I am worth the gamble. So basically there is nothing to be a dick-tator about! It’s pretty self service, considering all people have to do is ~just show up~, huh?
2. Conflicting parties - to me, is just the universe planning the use of HEAT. I am not the only person who is noticing that *they* are appearing now more frequently - they are either planning to poach the time slot or members. Nothing is ever altruistic. Never. Nunca. Nada. Zilch.
- But to me the whole thing is one big *time to learn to wipe your hands and start fresh* moment for myself. I showed the truth and was dismayed. So why care? It truthfully does not change my life either way. The beauty of being just a supporter, I only spend money to go to the things in the places for the groups I do support...BUT I don’t have to be at everything.
3. I have no need to overextend myself again for thankless and thoughtless people. I now wear a button that says, “Your problem. Deal with it.” For too long I have jumped up to help at the moment I knew things - usually long before they’ve shown themselves. I will now wait to be asked. I have enough to work on without putting myself out any more.
- This is a small part of my new creed - I will no longer prove myself by proving those fuckers wrong. The old way empowered those whom I was disproving. My new way EMPOWERS ME.
4. I can remain friends with people to play nicey nicey. It makes me want to vomit, but it’s cool. I got really good at puking and moving on during cancer, so I am aware I can live with that. Don’t like it, but since I have developed a level of attachment formula for myself I can handle it.
- These new levels allow me to mentally sort what and who I follow closely online and who I ignore. I will probably have to do a purge at some point, but for now I can practice a little self control. It also means that even less people will be very close to me...wagons required.
5. I’ve adapted a mindset I am very comfortable with by self-identifying as a goal oriented party HOSTESS. I am not a family leader, an established organization leader or any other kind of LEADER right now and that is what I want.
- I seriously did that board gig only to repay the karmic price/debt owed for all the support I felt during the cancer. I never wanted the power, I only wanted to help...and I did. Debt paid. Not such a hard concept.
6. I have discovered that the second I feel someone is pushing to be too close or around me too much I get a feeling of suffocation. I would compare myself to someone who is autistic in some ways. They have a disconnection with folks around them and have a hard time reading social skills/information which breaks down communication. Too often I feel like I have to explain too much because of how I am. This is neither fun or intriguing for me. It’s tedious. I’d rather just not have to do it and I only feel obligated to do in some strange effort to help educate and elevate people....why do I feel it helps when I can clearly see it is a futile effort?
- I have some people in my life who keep up with all the various topics of interest that I do who can intelligently discuss them with me. When I realize the person I keep explaining things to does not have the mental/intellectual capacity to even begin to understand things on the same level, I need to just walk away...physically or mentally...because I just resent them in the end and they feel confused about what they did wrong -- which is nothing.
7. I still need some professional mental health to deal with old demons that scream in the night. Nightmares are a part of the PSTD symptoms I have. But they shouldn’t be giving me flashes of horror during waking hours. I don’t know what is causing that. But it is fucking with my mental stability at times.
- And it is all related to our time with Suzanne. I just can’t get myself 100% right with that....I think it will take a face to face with her to get me past it...but with these flashes triggering my rage so instantaneously, I can’t believe it would not turn into a -ripping your face off face to face-. Yep, rage still there - in check but still too strong to wrangle alone.
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