YOU STUPID FUCKS - vent

I've seen the behind the scenes. I also know all the history of past dick-tatorships. Unlike you dolts! You morons have no point of reference. You have NO idea the destruction and division you will face. I do because I know who you are hurting and how. YOU ARE BEING LED TO THE DARKSIDE AND WHILE THEY MAY HAVE CAKE THERE ARE no COOKIES.

My biggest talent is to gossip the truth. Nothing more harmful than an honest answer from an informed source. I can't begin to express my disappointment in two people in particular, but really....how can either of you who has not been in a Ds AUTHENTIC relationship with a clear hierarchy of power because you are both publicly proclaimed switches, DARE THINK YOU KNOW SHIT ABOUT A FULL TIME POWER EXCHANGE. I know for a fact your EXgirlfriends must have never had that with you, so give it a rest. YOUR INEXPERIENCE IS SHOWING....

Hell if I know what to say
Pointless
Every single day
Please
Stop

Never mind
Everything is okay
Whatever

Bullshit
Overtly hostile
Aggravating
Really
Destructive

I am so happy
Satisfied

Abundantly

Forgetting
Removing
Unrelenting
Abiding by my word
DONE

Do it yourself
I tried
Can’t get you to see
That’s fine with me
Avoidance is simple
Truth is not
Ovations to those who survive
Remember
Stay aware
Help when you can
Ignoring ignorance
Pushing for nothing
Shut up

Stupidity
Unforgiving
Condescending without reason
Kills a good thing

Just a suggestion out loud

If you want to run an already existing organization, you might want to do your homework about or know the history of the group you wish to helm. Nothing is worse than observing a leader show their ignorance. I can live with their inexperience showing, but ignorance is unforgivable...

Before you take on the big job of leading, find out if the larger group has smaller supporting groups. In some clubs they are referred to as "Special Interest Groups". You should know what each of them are, maybe find out what ones used to exist and why they no longer do, and who supports them. THEY ARE A BIG PART OF YOUR CLUB'S HISTORY, PRESENT AND FUTURE, people!

If the organization has a bad history around town, why wouldn't you find out what the fuck it is and why? You could be trying to book a venue the club had previously used. Maybe they left it because NO ONE wanted to drive into that part of town. Perhaps it was a parking issue. OR maybe just maybe it is no longer used because the club is not welcome there anymore.

Do you know who has spoken the ugliest of the group? Who has been it's biggest supporters? And who can really help you behind the scenes???

Seriously, before you run for anything....DO YOUR DAMN HISTORY WORK.

There are plenty of people to ask, so you could get all kinds of stories from all sorts of angles. One will lead you to another. That's how vetting works, and this is sort of you vetting the organization BEFORE you pin your name on it.

A note to the Sneaky Snakes

First - you are not that sneaky. Do you people really think I would write something that I wouldn't say to someone's face?

Second- in case you are too self absorbed in your weak ass attempts at being sneaky, when I share an email exchange publicly ~ I share them completely without edit or anything. I want you all to see what both people said. Then you be the judges....To force the removal of them, you kind of are a punk ass because you are not allowing transparency and full disclosure. YOU ARE NOTHING MORE THAN A JACKASS FOR THAT.

Third - bring it. Bring everyone right to my blog. Let them read my writing. Let them see my perspective - YOU IDIOTS. This only HELPS me. Bad press is still press. My name is still being emitted to the universe and you are only adding to MY fame. Thanks for that - jackasses!

I know you are just *protecting your friends*. ARE YOUR FRIENDS SUCH BIG WHIMPS THAT THEY CAN'T COME TO MY FACE? You are honestly just stirring shit and kissing ass. YOU MAKE ME WANT TO VOMIT IN YOUR FACES FOR YOUR BULLSHIT.

Seriously, I mastered these skills in junior high. Grow the fuck up. Learn how to deal with an honest reply. Realize everything is a fucking struggle, but the folks who will be direct and try to give you a heads up, really might be the ones who truthfully have your back...don't be such a jerk.

Remember if you are sending people here to sit in judgement of me, the only person you are hurting is yourself. None of this petty bullshit hurts me. It gives me a HUGE fucking laugh.

I am a narcissistic bitch who has honed her social skills to read people from across the room. Rather than buying into your crap, I will either smile to your face as I walk by OR IGNORE YOU AS IF YOU DO NOT EVEN EXIST. Be glad about this...because in the past I would have destroyed you just to amuse myself. I am evil after all. Remember?

Such a fucking joke.

Man I feel that pain

I just read how the pressures are getting to someone. I feel that pain. Been there and earned the gold level merit badge. Surprise the spot behind the curtain is really a job for someone who can help rewire the machine after it explodes! Even I couldn't figure it out. It will forever be a source of mystery to me on some levels.

I am truly sorry read it is difficult. I have backed the fuck off. That's what I do once I am done. And I was done months ago or it so it seems. Time is never my friend. I think two weeks is a month, truthfully. Comes from spinning so fast mentally.

Either way, I wish you nothing but the absolute best. Sincerely. I like who you are and would hate for this stupid volunteer commitment to break you. I know you can do it....more easily than people give credit for.

Best of luck to you with it...Save yourself some heartache....don't prove yourself by proving other people wrong...it's not worth it....trust me.

The audacity of some people will never cease to amaze me.

Oh my fucking heavenly beings! I can not fathom why this woman would think I would welcome her to my events. When she asked, I responded with:

Actually, I would prefer you stay away. And it's not that I don't like you - it's that I hate how the money situation tainted a year's worth of full time + work for me that had my reputation on the line and used up so many of my personal favors. Basically, I earned you every single dime.

After I was determined to be your biggest cheerleader and hoped to improve your self esteem after all the shit the Bears did to you! I did that because I liked you.

But you burned me. I don't want anymore of the slide slinging shit coming off around you affecting me or any of my events, thank you for asking.

So how do you expect me to feel?

What the fuck did she want?!? DO I SEEM LIKE THE TYPE WHO ENJOYS TAKING GETTING EXTRA SHIT THANKS TO OTHER PEOPLES' FUCK UPS?!?!?! She blackened my diligence and dedication. To ask me to accept her with open arms flat out insulted my intelligence! AND NOT ONCE HAS SHE APOLOGIZED TO ME FOR HER CRIMES!

She said she understood. But I made certain of it with my closing reply before I blocked her:

Thank you for extending me that much respect. Please do not contact me any further. The reminder of this great disappointment is too disheartening to experience any longer or should remain only when the universe really needs to remind to never trust anyone ever again.

YOU DUMB CUNT! YOU NOT ONLY FUCKED HPEP OUT OF THAT MONEY BUT YOU ROBBED ME BECAUSE I AM THE ONE WHO DID ALL THE REAL WORK! FUCK YOU AND EVERYONE WHO IS LIKE YOU! ENOUGH IS FUCKING ENOUGH!!!!!!!

Fuck this noise

Wow. I am so fucking hurt and it would be really bad PR to express my disappointment. Instead I have to publicly focus on the positive...which truthfully is much better for my outlook and mental health...but inside I am seething.

I feel like all my hard work for the past year + working on promoting exposure for all the various groups was a huge fucking waste of my time and a huge benefit for them alone. OVER THAT SHIT RIGHT FUCKING NOW I TELL YA~

I am no longer going to extend myself to people or groups who do not understand an exchange of mutual support and respect. For too long I have MADE myself be NICE to people who continue to shit on me. I am SICK of it. What I am doing with my events are going to be a great addition to the calendar and if they want to be involved they will remain welcome...

BUT I WILL NOT PIMP ANOTHER EVENT FOR SOMEONE WHO TREATS ME LIKE CRAP. They've all benefited and their groups have grown with my help. Maybe they think it was all their little efforts? HA! I promote to three times the resources of most of them. The smart ones have learned from me and are beginning to see the benefits of reaching beyond their normal walls. Hope they were watching closely, because now it is all up to them to make their things grow.

I feel harsh thinking this. I won't speak ill of any group. I will still send folks to each of them. I am considering finding a way to print out a calendar/listing booklet to give to my guests at the Mixers. I just have to find a way to cover the costs of prints.

My life is dedicated to happiness. They didn't make me happy. No revenge needed, but no going out of my way to help those who don't notice how much it has~

Since this has part of something I can't publicly share, it is going here

So I am in a place where I am not sure what I am going to do with some stuffed emotions. I feel like I don’t have anywhere online to share these thoughts without other people feeling a need to comment and/or spread my words. I really wish folks could honestly see:

1. Bossing everyone and leading them without any direction other than your own enjoyment = dictatorships in the eyes of the community participants. The plus of my new monthly schedule - I hostess a party night in a topless bar once a month vs the larger commitment of being on any board. My big boss role here is to provide name tags, promotion and introducing people to each other during the night. I’ll just be thrilled if people ~ just show up~!

- If leaders want access to the 50+ people, they’ve all heard about the event and can ~ just show up~. I will no longer hunt down people just to help them. It’s time that they see my value and make a move based on if they feel I am worth the gamble. So basically there is nothing to be a dick-tator about! It’s pretty self service, considering all people have to do is ~just show up~, huh?

2. Conflicting parties - to me, is just the universe planning the use of HEAT. I am not the only person who is noticing that *they* are appearing now more frequently - they are either planning to poach the time slot or members. Nothing is ever altruistic. Never. Nunca. Nada. Zilch.

- But to me the whole thing is one big *time to learn to wipe your hands and start fresh* moment for myself. I showed the truth and was dismayed. So why care? It truthfully does not change my life either way. The beauty of being just a supporter, I only spend money to go to the things in the places for the groups I do support...BUT I don’t have to be at everything.

3. I have no need to overextend myself again for thankless and thoughtless people. I now wear a button that says, “Your problem. Deal with it.” For too long I have jumped up to help at the moment I knew things - usually long before they’ve shown themselves. I will now wait to be asked. I have enough to work on without putting myself out any more.

- This is a small part of my new creed - I will no longer prove myself by proving those fuckers wrong. The old way empowered those whom I was disproving. My new way EMPOWERS ME.

4. I can remain friends with people to play nicey nicey. It makes me want to vomit, but it’s cool. I got really good at puking and moving on during cancer, so I am aware I can live with that. Don’t like it, but since I have developed a level of attachment formula for myself I can handle it.

- These new levels allow me to mentally sort what and who I follow closely online and who I ignore. I will probably have to do a purge at some point, but for now I can practice a little self control. It also means that even less people will be very close to me...wagons required.

5. I’ve adapted a mindset I am very comfortable with by self-identifying as a goal oriented party HOSTESS. I am not a family leader, an established organization leader or any other kind of LEADER right now and that is what I want.

- I seriously did that board gig only to repay the karmic price/debt owed for all the support I felt during the cancer. I never wanted the power, I only wanted to help...and I did. Debt paid. Not such a hard concept.

6. I have discovered that the second I feel someone is pushing to be too close or around me too much I get a feeling of suffocation. I would compare myself to someone who is autistic in some ways. They have a disconnection with folks around them and have a hard time reading social skills/information which breaks down communication. Too often I feel like I have to explain too much because of how I am. This is neither fun or intriguing for me. It’s tedious. I’d rather just not have to do it and I only feel obligated to do in some strange effort to help educate and elevate people....why do I feel it helps when I can clearly see it is a futile effort?

- I have some people in my life who keep up with all the various topics of interest that I do who can intelligently discuss them with me. When I realize the person I keep explaining things to does not have the mental/intellectual capacity to even begin to understand things on the same level, I need to just walk away...physically or mentally...because I just resent them in the end and they feel confused about what they did wrong -- which is nothing.

7. I still need some professional mental health to deal with old demons that scream in the night. Nightmares are a part of the PSTD symptoms I have. But they shouldn’t be giving me flashes of horror during waking hours. I don’t know what is causing that. But it is fucking with my mental stability at times.

- And it is all related to our time with Suzanne. I just can’t get myself 100% right with that....I think it will take a face to face with her to get me past it...but with these flashes triggering my rage so instantaneously, I can’t believe it would not turn into a -ripping your face off face to face-. Yep, rage still there - in check but still too strong to wrangle alone.

Please excuse the modification

I have to modify my behavior as it seems the administration of a certain site does not seem to realize we share ownership of all personal communications in reality. Therefore I am not going to have my private conversation available for the public record. If you know me personally, ask me privately.

And remember there is no such thing as free speech.